Subject: Work Giggle From: Sailor Jim Johnston Date: 2000/02/11 Newsgroups: alt.callahans Sailor Jim walks in, chuckling, and grabs a short beer. “So I’m walking through our office, which run the entire width of the library, and watch all the construction being done … hmm, okay. Quick explanation needed. “The computer people, who run the computer labs and the entire school network, are located just ten feet away from my desk, on the other side of a common wall. A wall which is currently being breached and a door being hung within that breach. “Y’see, their duties keep getting enlarged and their equipment keeps multiplying and their staff keeps growing … so they are taking over my side of the back offices. A large double door is being built to separate the back offices into two (for security reasons) and a door is being put in the … Read entire article »

Subject: Death by Pizza From: Sailor Jim Johnston Date: 2000/02/10 Newsgroups: alt.callahans Sailor Jim limps in, leaning heavily on a stylish cane. He calls for his usual and carefully seats himself at his customary table. When everyone finally get a good look at his face, they see sweat dappling every inch of it and a damp sheen to his lips. “Well, so much for being a clever fellow … heck, so much for being smart enough to pour piss out of a boot.” His drink arrives and he takes a straw out of his pocket. With exaggerated care, he sips a few times at his drink, occasionally wincing. He looks back up at the expectant faces, sighs and puts his straw down. “Dian had her Abnormal Psych class this evening and I was flying solo for dinner. Since I didn’t have to worry about … Read entire article »

Subject: Life Goes On .. From: Sailor Jim Johnston Date: 2000/02/01 Newsgroups: alt.callahans Sailor Jim, wispy smoke trails still curling up from his pant cuffs, is enjoying an old fashioned beer and shaking his head. “In the midst of last weeks silliness, whilst debates and flames held forth in the place, I was adding to my meager knowledge of things mathematical. I was helping my darling Dian with her homework when we hit a truly idiotic question. To wit; “‘Is the total number of people in the world who have shaken an odd number of hands odd or even?’ “At this point, we came to the conclusion that if law is an ass, then math must be a dipshit. What a ridiculous question! How the fuck is anyone, much less anyone who has to take Math 101, suppose to know if an even number of … Read entire article »

Subject: What a coincidence! From: Sailor Jim Johnston Date: 2000/01/25 Newsgroups: alt.callahans Sailor Jim is reading a book of odd animal facts when he runs across one that strikes him as strangely parallel to odd human facts. “Did you know there is a critter called a ‘sea squirt’ (it’s found in the seas near Japan) that digests its own brain? “Absolutely true. Y’see, when it is mature, it permanently attaches itself to a rock. As soon as it does, it starts to digest its brain. Apparently, it only really needs a brain as long as it stays mobile and active.” Sailor Jim flips through a few more pages, a puzzled expression on his face. “Hmmmmm … doesn’t mention anything about television being involved. That’s strange.” SJ … Read entire article »

Subject: Posts, Ducks, Cats, Birds, and Math From: Sailor Jim Johnston Date: 2000/01/24 Newsgroups: alt.callahans Sailor Jim is sitting at his customary table, just resting. “Hell of a weekend, shipmates. “I intended to finish my posts archive on my website, but had no idea exactly what I was up against. First, Deja lists that I have well over a thousand posts since I started. Second, I have to review each one to see if it was a simple ‘Yeah, me, too’ or if it contained anything of worth. Third, I have to download it. Fourth, I have to clean it up in a word processing program (might as well clear up the typos and misspellings). Fifth, I have to save it in both a WP and an html format. Sixth, I have to upload it to my site. Finally, I have to fix links … Read entire article »

Subject: First Boot of the Season! From: Sailor Jim Johnston Date: 2000/01/11 Newsgroups: alt.callahans Sailor Jim walks in, chuckling under his breath. He heads straight to the bar and gathers up a waiting rum and Diet Coke. Only pausing to take a sip and compliment Mike on his expert mixology, he heads to the line and addresses the fireplace. “To the worst enemies of the common man, Mr. Everybody Knows, and his daft wife, Ms. Common Knowledge!” He chucks his glass into the fireplace and addresses the crowd. “Today, as every work day, I headed home for lunch and the blissful companionship of my own Darling Dian, something I need more during the first days of a semester than usual. As I walked across the campus, I sadly noted almost all the parking spaces were, alas, once again filled. (Even though we have more parking … Read entire article »

Subject: THEY’RE BACK!! From: Sailor Jim Johnston Date: 2000/01/10 Newsgroups: alt.callahans “Good morning. May I help you?” The speaker turns and addresses the younger man who has followed him onto the library loading dock and is showing every intention of walking in the employee entrance. “Um .. huh? What? Um .. I mean, y’know, yeah…I guess. I need to go into, y’know, the library.” “Then you need to walk around to the front entrances. This entrance is for staff and faculty, only.” “Um .. why?” “Which? Why is this entrance for staff and faculty, only, or why do you have to walk around to reach the front entrances?” “Um .. yeah.” The older man takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. “This entrance is for staff and faculty, only, because it lacks both a metal detector and a stolen goods detector. In that the staff … Read entire article »

Subject: Cattus, Nabalo & Neble From: Sailor Jim Johnston Date: 2000/01/04 Newsgroups: alt.callahans Sailor Jim is sitting in his usual place and yawning hugely. “Sorry, pardon me,” he chuckles. “Late night with the wife, pursuing our favorite activity . . . well,” another deep chuckle, this one slightly evil, “One of our favorite activities, at the very least. We select a word at random and try and figure out how that particular word came into being, came to represent whatever it represents, and why. “Alright, most English mavens will understand that this sort of off-the- cuff research is pretty much doomed from the start. After all, lexicons only trace a word history so far and the bottom line of ‘why’ generally is a matter of logical assumptions, wistful thinking, and humorous frustration. Here’s an example: Cat. Okay, the word ‘cat’ breaks down to Middle English … Read entire article »