Subject: Soapbox, Rant and Abend From: Sailor Jim Johnston Date: 1999/12/23 Newsgroups: alt.callahans “Twelve hours before my ship sank, I had finally caught up with my filing.” Moments ago, Sailor Jim entered the bar, slightly agitated, and now he is standing atop a small soapbox. “It was our last winter deployment, changing out winter for summer buoys, and I had a chance to finally catch up on all the small stuff. So I got up extra early that day, worked myself into an anal-retentive frenzy during breakfast, and just tore through the filing. Old files went into mailing boxes for archiving, replaced by new files, cross- indexed for ease and maximum efficiency. Personnel records purged and brought up to date, correspondence files torn apart and put together fresh, ship’s records made current, and I even updated my PERSMAN with the latest changes. “It took me close to … Read entire article »

Subject: Time to Un-Whine From: Sailor Jim Johnston Date: 1999/12/17 Newsgroups: alt.callahans “Ahhhhh! Now this is more like it!” Sailor Jim glides into the room, his graceful stride suggesting lineage as a possible woodscolt out of Ginger, by Fred. He actually takes a casual turn or two with several Goodwenches on his way to his customary table. Settling in, he thanks Mike for the waiting drink and takes a sip. “My, what a shitty week this has been and I am so glad to be shut of it! It took something as simple as cold weather to knock the pins out from under me? Well, it took two small acts, each as automatic and simple as the weather changing, to prop me back up! “First was the yearly migration. As the pigeons returning to Capistrano, as the pigs returning to their sties, or as dogs … Read entire article »

Subject: *sigh* (Whine Alert! BYOC!) From: Sailor Jim Johnston Date: 1999/12/15 Newsgroups: alt.callahans Sailor Jim walks in and looks wistfully towards the bar, but ends up pulling a bottled water out of one of his many vest pockets and just sitting at his usual table. He fishes around in another pocket and pulls out a medical vial of pills. After locating a small child to open the childproof cap, he washes down a Prozac with some Perrier (a regular ’90′s kinda guy, that’s our Sailor). “Great week, shipmates,” he mutters, putting his pills away. “I had a major episode Monday and Tuesday, and for the silliest of reasons. “Monday was our office Christmas party and I was suppose to bring in desert. I walked in with a large paper bag and announced that, due to budgetary restraints, desert was going to be one Hershey’s … Read entire article »

Subject: I am NOT making this up! From: Sailor Jim Johnston Date: 1999/12/09 Newsgroups: alt.callahans Sailor Jim is sitting at his table in a mild state of shock. “Y’know, shipmates … I thought I’d seen all the goofy titles for magazines there were and heard every silly concept for a publication there could be.” He looks at the magazine in his hand, essays a shaky laugh and mutters, “Oh, well .. Wrong, again! “For those of you who cannot see this magazine, allow me to state – for the record and honest, no kidding! – that I am, at this very second, holding the May/June 1999 issue of _Spudman_ in my hands.” He turns the issued over a few times and shows the cover to everyone within viewing distance. It’s a picture of a man who looks as if he just might … Read entire article »

Subject: One for the Books! From: Sailor Jim Johnston Date: 1999/12/08 Newsgroups: alt.callahans “Okay . . This little story is gonna call for everyone to use their visualization skills, so I’ll try to explain this as best I can,” Sailor Jim announces, as he enters and heads for the bar. “First off, (thanks, Mike) I live on campus and walk to work most mornings. However, every once in a blue moon, I’ll run late and drive the half mile to get in on time. When I do, I like to cut through the parking lot by the university pond. It doesn’t really save any time, but it’s a pleasant sight in the morning and I can toss a slice of bread to the ducks as I drive by. “Okay, driving through this particular lot requires one to follow an inverted ‘L’ type route, two-way … Read entire article »

Subject: The Season for Sharing, Indeed! From: Sailor Jim Johnston Date: 1999/12/07 Newsgroups: alt.callahans Sailor Jim walks in, chuckling under his breath and smelling faintly of illegal herbs. “Friends, a group of students – at least a quartet, if evidence serves - decided to get high in the library stairwell this morning. “We’ve always had students smoking in the stairwells . . . it’s such a regular enough event that if one opens the stairwell door and doesn’t smell cigarette smoke, one actually notices the absence. You see, due to the design of the stairwells, smoking a cigarette on the fourth floor landing means that, within a few minutes, all the smoke will settle to the ground floor. Which is to say, to our offices. “So when a certain sweet tang started to drift through the office, it was readily apparent what … Read entire article »

Subject: From the Story Corner – Military Memory From: Sailor Jim Johnston Date: 1999/12/01 Newsgroups: alt.callahans The light outside is failing as Sailor Jim moves into the story corner. He sits and, looking into his glass, starts to speak. “My first ship was the Coast Guard Cutter Red Birch, a buoy tender out of Yerba Buena Island, California. I had been tossed out of Class A school (for reasons best left unmentioned) and was reporting aboard as a Seaman. She was my first working command, my entire military career having consisted of boot camp and Class A school at that point, and I studied my seamanship very hard. I was determined to make a good impression, be a good sailor, and – with a little luck – make Petty Officer damn quick. (“It is a fine thing to believe in the fairness of the … Read entire article »