Subject: Whine: Smooching From: Sailor Jim Johnston Date: 1998/12/22 Newsgroups: alt.callahans A steady noise fills the place; a disgusting combination of a dull, hollow thumping and a steady high-pitched moan, puts one in mind of someone beating a mattress with a shoat. “Dammit, Sailor!!” Mike thunders from where he stands, “I just got the dents out of the bar from the last person doing that!! Cut it out!!” “But, Mike!” Sailor Jim’s usual manly tones whine out. “Have you seen the posts?!? A mile long, a bloody mile long!! Ooooooooooohgeeeeeeeeeezzzzzzz!” “Well, what do you expect? They pile up pretty quick and you ain’t been in for a while.” Mike shrugs, setting out a fresh drink. “Oh, yeah . . . I expected that. But did you see *that thread* over there?!” Mike squints into the shadows overhead. “Which one?” “Fer pity sake, Mike!! The ‘Smooching’ … Read entire article »

Subject: RANT (well, sort of): Doctors!! From: Sailor Jim Johnston Date: 1998/12/17 Newsgroups: alt.callahans Sailor Jim walks in, looking slightly pale underneath his permanent tan and slightly frail beneath his ruggedly manly build. He orders his usual, then lifts a restraining hand and – first fishing a small bottle out of one of his vests many pockets and checking it – changes it to just a straight Diet Coke. He coughs twice into a lace handkerchief (?!?) on his way to his customary seat. After sitting, he coughs again and, apparently, notices his handkerchief for the first time. With a flustered air, he quickly stuffs the lacy bit of cloth into an inside pocket and pulls out a normal square of unadorned linen to finish coughing into. “Why is it,” he finally begins, “that we will accept pretty much whatever indignity our medical specialists … Read entire article »

Subject: Mood Tag From: Sailor Jim Johnston Date: 1998/12/11 Newsgroups: alt.callahans Sailor Jim is feeling much better .. and, simultaneously, a little worse. “I just played mood tag with a coed, out in the parking lot, and named it for the first time. “A project of mine, one that would have lifted me out of this boring and silly job, fell through yesterday. That was depressing enough, but today has been running like it was the 13th, rather than the 11th. I tore my shirt when I put it on and burnt it’s replacement when I tried to iron it. The sinks were all backed up and the toilet didn’t want to flush. The oatmeal boiled over the stovetop and my umbrella broke when I tried to use it. My computer here at work decided it really didn’t need a monitor and melted … Read entire article »

Subject: Rant: Bullies and Educators From: Sailor Jim Johnston Date: 1998/12/02 Newsgroups: alt.callahans Sailor Jim hangs up his cell phone and tucks it back into its pocket with a weary sigh. Then pauses, fishes it back out and stares at it. “I suppose I’ve mentioned this before, but it’s not really possible to ‘hang up’ a cell phone. A meaningless and anachronistic term within this reference, isn’t it? Does anyone know of a better one? ‘Disconnects’ seems too technical and a simple ‘closes’ is redundant. Perhaps ‘buttons off’ or maybe even a slightly misleading ‘buttons up?’ “Oh well … ” he puts the cell phone back away. “At any rate, that was my boss. She’ll be gone this morning because her youngest has been arrested for assault. He’s ten and punched the school bully (age eleven) in the nose this morning. He did it … Read entire article »